Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
