I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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