my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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