If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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