my phone needs a breathalizer
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
