Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
are you still at the devil's house?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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