dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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