He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The uberlube is also flammable
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
