He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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