quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
