i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
