My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
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Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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