woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
