I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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