Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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