you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The power of my boobs compel you
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
