Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
