That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
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got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
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They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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