you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
