Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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