I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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