dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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