somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
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I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
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Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
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