This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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