i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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