I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
