I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
