i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
