Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
