um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
