He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
