I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
