I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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