I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
