porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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