Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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