If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
