if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
