I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
