i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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