You're my little dorito
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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