I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
