Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
