I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
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you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
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Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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