I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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