Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
