My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
