Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
