Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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