Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
