you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
