my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
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Acid is not a monday night drug
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize