you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
