Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
