she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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